Monthly Archives: February 2017

Bowling Green Remembers

In the sprawling metropolis of Bowling Green, a quaint coastal town in the heart of Kentucky near the Arizona border, the early Tuesday morning silence was broken as deafening shots rang out, startling the town’s residents just as they were laying down for the night.

One local resident, Mr. Snipe, said, “we heard the shots, they were like a whip exploding, then flames shot out of the roof of the Our Lady Of Agnostics Cathedral. We didn’t know what to do, I told the Missus to e-mail 911 and I ran down the street in my truck.”

What Mr. Snape had heard and later seen was something that the village will never forget, corpses strewn everywhere, moaning and begging for help. The suspects later admitted that they had planned the successful suicide bombing around the afternoon prayer, when this Atheist Ministry’s congregation all come together to pray.

One parishioner, who was a very active member of the church woman’s auxiliary was lucky to be alive, “I was running late, I don’t usually sleep in but it had been a late night on Thursday. Just as we were going up the steps my wife turned to me and said, ‘Henry, honey, I think those are terrorists.’ I turned and looked at them and sure enough, they were. You could tell by the way they walked. Sure enough, we stopped and watched them turn around and walk away right inside, loading the bombs right into their swords. Next thing I knew a flash blinded me and I saw everything burning up in smoke.”

He was lucky, his wife wasn’t as much, after a week in Neonatal care they turned off her life support and she stopped breathing on her own.

Things will never be the same for the tens of hundreds of people who call this beautiful mountain village home, “stuff like this never happens here,” said the town Sheriff, Deputy Ian Justice, “It’s a quiet place, a good place to have a family, hell we don’t even let children live here to keep ourselves safe.”

It’s now been a year since the Massacre of Bowling Green took place but the people here can now feel a little safer at night knowing that their new President, Colonel Donald Trump is doing everything he can to keep them safe, making sure that everyone in America has better access to guns and stopping anyone from getting into the country that even vaguely resembles the ruthless terrorists.

Thanks to the honorable Kellyanne Conway, this tragedy is finally getting the media coverage it deserves. After she spoke with MSNBC news, support for the casualties of this injustice began pouring in and Bowling Green was trending across Social Media and although nearly a decade had passed they can sure use it. Luckily they can look forward to extended Federal health coverage coming soon, but still, donations are greatly appreciated.

If you wish to support the Victims of the Bowling Green Massacre please go to https://www.bowlinggreenmassacrefund.com/

 

Please note that this a work of satire and by no means is meant to offend the actual residents of Bowling Green Kentucky or anyone else who has not already humiliated themselves. D. Ryan Leask

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